Henry Cone Archive

Hear Ye, Hear Ye. In a Land Far and Great, in a Time long long Ago, there was a Man Who Struggled For his Life. And His Name, was David of Gaul. From the Bosom of the Earthe, he sought to bring Water, yet the Earthe, she did not Comply. From the Fleshe of the Grounde, he sought to Bring Food, in vain.

And Yet, a Strange-Man appeared in the Desert, and approached Mr. of Gaul.

Strange-Man: O David, come to Me.

David of Gaul: How dost thou know my Name?

Strange-Man: David, it Mattereth-Not. Come, thou Seekest Water, and the Earthe Giveth-Not. Thou Seekest Food, and the Gronde Refuseth to Produce.

David of Gaul: Strange-Man, this is True. I beg of thee, helpest This-Poor-Man.

Strange-Man: I offer unto thee a Member of the Body of Erthe, That-Which-Thou-Wishest.

David of Gaul: Strange-Man, please, I Beg of thee, grante me That-Which-I-Wish.

Strange-Man: I offer unto thee this Fleshen-Food, the Salten Sandwhiche.

David of Gaul: But Strange-man, what beeth a Salten Sandwiche?

Strange-Man: Come, David. This-Which-Thou-Seest-Before-Thee beeth a Salten Sandwich. This Fruite deriveth from the Betwixtment of a Fine-Layer of Salte unto Two parallel slices of Bread.

David of Gaul: O Strange-Man, I cannot eat this. Wishest thou to make me Thirste more?

Strange-Man: O David, Those Who Are Choose, Those Who Are Not Choose Not. Thou must choose betweene Salte and Death.

David of Gaul: O Strange-Man, be Gone. I choose Death.

Strange-Man: Fare well, David. I shall be Gone. But I leave this Sandwiche with thee.

And so, the Strange-Man left. David, succumbing to his Thirste, perished the following day. And the Strange-Man was Jesus Christ Himselfe, so David of Gaul was sent to Eternal-Damnation for ever.

THE END

There have been a growing Number of Reports of a Young Man wandering the Streets of Oxford, at times identifying himself as James, Edward, Daniel, Ben and at least three other Presumably False Names, who has been pretending to be a Student of the University of Oxford, generally claiming to be a Student of The Christ Church College. This Street-Person will linger in Areas orating his Alleged Back-Story, generally to Tourists and New-Students of the University, a Story which is said to become progressively more Deluded and Unbelievable Over Time. A Logician at the University stated that the Individuals reasoning abilities were Extremely Dubious. Several witnesses have Questioned whether the Individual was intoxicated or had been consuming Drugs. It is not known whether a Counterpart-Individual exists in the City of Cambridge.
13^th of October, 1633

Addendum:
A report from a witness of this Unidentified-Strange-Man.
O Lord Help Me For This Man Has Consumed Three Houres Of My Time. Lord Please Spare Me From This Strange-Man, This False Student Of Oxford. He Now Haunts My Dreams O Lord Forgive Me Have Mercy On Us For This Blight-Curse Upon Oxford-Shire.
14^th of October, 1633

A Newe Systeme of Lawe for the Nation of engleland, for the New Year, 323 Before Christe.
by Halvor the black

Over my Many-Years, I, halvor the black, alternativelly Referred to as Halvor The Undeceaved And Undeceased, have composed a Systeme of Lawe for to begin Ridding-Of-The-World of the many social and criminalle Evilles that Exist-Within-It. Ye Systeme consists of Onely-Five laws, perfect and whole for the establishmentarianism of a New, Uncorrupt'd englishe gouvernemente. All other Good Lawes, as Aristotille woude say, shall Logically follow from This-Point.

Law I: NO MAN may bury a Hatchet below another Man's Feilde (metaphorically).

Law II: the penalty for speaking Profanely before Little Childer aged below Three Years Oulde is Death.

Law Three: NO WOMAN may eat Any-Fruit, Be it an Appel, An Orange, An Banana, or A coco-nut, in the Open, for All to see, the penalty being Deathe.

Law IV: NO MAN may Accuse Another Man of that which He hath already Done Himselfe (Whomever Hath Smelt It, Hath Dealt It).

Law Five: All Those Whom Fail To Go To Bed On Time Are To Be Put In The Stocks.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye. I come to tell ye of a Tale, which I have Hearde from a wanderring Man, that Be, an Egiption, whom tolde me of this Very-Tale. Here be the tale, as it Were Tolde Unto Me, by this Strange-Man. That which the Strange-Man told me, thus, Shall Followeth.

One Night, I, that is to say This-Very-Person, were on One's Shippe on a particularily Tempestuous Night. As the Shippes Rudderes lashed back and forth Like-An-Whip, unbeknownest to those Residents-Of-The-Shippe, of which Contained myself, that very Vessel was sendeth upon a Path highly Contrary to that Path-Intended.

And therefore, I say truly, the Crewe, once arriving upon Ninety-Per-Cent-Dry Land, noticed a Man of Great Stature. Indeed, by the pilot's estimating, this Personage stoode at a Twenty Cubits High. I, being Shocked and experiencing Poor Digestion, noted the extremitude of this Tallness and said to This-Man, Wherefore Be Thou, That Is To Say, That-Very-Person-That-Thou-Art-Thouself, Of Such Magnitude? And The Man Responded, Aye, This-Man Be Of Great Highte, For He Be Of Great Age, At A Threescore Yeare.

I Processed unto the Towne, and upon my Visionne came a vision of a Schoole. Forsooth, thinking this to be an schoole of the Elementary, I asked of these So-Called-Child-Ren, Where Be Thine Parents, that is, to speak with utmost Claritude, Wherefore Art The Forebears of Ye Small-Childs?

Thus spake one of the Students, thou Foole, I be not a Childling, but a man of Age, undertaking a Study of Letters, at This-Very University.

And I myself retorted, Why be this a Schoole-Of-Dwarven-Persons? Yet, the Small-Strange-Student-Man, understanded Not the question. Indeed, he stated, thou art Not a student-here, for thou art a Tall-Man, but thou art a Don Not Also, for thou art Foolish. Be Gone.

Hence, I swiftly Slew him, for he Yappethed Grossly.

THE END

This was the Story that was Relayed to me by that Strange-Man of the Egyptiane Folk. Be Ware of Such Nations of Short-Tall-People, for one may be Slain at a moment's notice.