A day in the life of Steve Jones

3:00 am

I wake up.

3:00 am to 3:10 am

Reflect for 20 minutes about the state of my life.

3:10 am

I fall asleep.

5:00 am

I bash my head into the wall until it hurts. Ow. It hurts. I go downstairs to the kitchen and make myself some breakfast. Just butter and rye for me. Nothing else. I gobble it down in 5 minutes, like my mother always told me to.

5:15 am

I open a window before walking up to the sink. I pick up my toothbrush. I throw it out the window, and use my finger to brush my teeth instead. I spend the time that I saved to pray to our father, so that he may blacken my teeth in his next quintographical plan

5:20 am

I go to the midget's room to speak to him. He doesn't talk very much, but he's fun when he does. Sometimes he scares me... I, uh, don't want to talk about that.

5:30 am

I hit my dog while reversing with my car, then take my morning drive along the suburbs of Keyneshire, driving everywhere entirely in reverse. I keep myself entertained by getting into road rage with other drivers, breaking their windows and stealing the headrests from their car seats. I return home fulfilled, having made a few new friends and enemies along my journey.

6:00 am

I take my insomnia medication. I fall asleep, then wake up, screaming every single time.

7:00 am

I fire one of my employees at random, only to rehire them 15 minutes later.

7:15 am

I go to work - I'm an electrician. I get to work around 8 am, and for an hour I talk to the tall woman who always hangs around the bus stop but never gets on the bus. I think she is secretly a prostitute. Work starts at 9 - I pretend to work while "he" does the work for me. I think about those who have loved and lost, and those who have loved and not lost, and those who have lost and not loved, and those who have not loved and not lost. I love my job.

1:00 pm

I go to the driveway to fetch the corpse of the dead dog. I take great pride in banging its organs out on the car door. It is cooked it with a light simmer, soft to the touch, prepared with marmalade and detritus from the gardens. It is served by being thrown into my freezing cold outdoor swimming pool. Once I fish it out, I eat while clutching scoldingly hot utensils prepared in the firepit. I remind my indoor chauffeur to go to the pound and pick up a new dog for tommorrow.

1:45 pm

Oh she always has a fucking issue. Why is it always at this time? I'm at work, you fucking bitch. It's like God is playing a joke on me.

2:00 pm

Edging for 3 hours in direct view of my female coworkers. The tower's exits are closed during this time, no one may leave or enter.

5:00 pm

I try to visit the compound outside my apartment. They always tell me "you can't come in", "no unauthorized entry". Some day I will deck that fucker and force my way in.

5:05 pm

I stop for a moment to reconsider, before continuing my day.

6:13 pm

I talk to the midget again. He pisses me off sometimes. He's fucking annoying. He's a federal agent. He's sexy.

6:27 pm

I stand by the water cooler, in a meeting with my subordinate managers. In a powerpoint slide, I announce the new "Dewification" initiative, still have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Regardless, the shiny graphs and colorful diagrams keep their eyes fixed on the screen. I snap my fingers, and they stand up and follow me to the windows of my office. I take a run for it. I fall, and keep falling. I wake up.

6:28 pm

I make dinner for myself and the midget. We eat together. I always try to invite one other person around, but it's not always possible. This time around, we invited my sister. She's a little bit insane, in fact she had just returned from the mortuary after fiddling around with the daisies chains.

7:30 pm

I look at the clock. It's 7:30 pm. 30 minutes later, it's 8:00 pm. It's time.

8:00 pm

I work out. Sometimes it doesn't work out.

9:45 pm

I think "It's 9:45 pm. 9:45 pm again. Every day it's 9:45 pm, and I do the same thing every time. Is this all there is? What did I do to end up here?" before edging for another 2 hours.

11:45 pm

They tell me to stay up. The midget wants me to stay up. I love him. I take my coffee. I stay up. I think about him and I think he thinks about me. I stay up. I stay up. I want to stay up forever. It never works. At 1am, I fall asleep.