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12 Life Hacks To Reduce Balding

1. Ask a boy in St. Mark's Square (the youngest one you see) to draw from the urn lots for each strand of hair. Make a pledge to donate an equivalent weight in shillings to the young man should you fail.

2. Buy a rifle and threaten your hair to stay put, otherwise you'll kill 'em. Sometimes, only fear works.

3. Fold your bed sheets in half, and cut down the middle with a rusty razor, making sure to cut your index finger in the process. Studies suggest that decreasing the surface area of your sleeping makes the follicles in your hair work overtime to ensure enzymes are pumped into the emnourial regions of your head, muscles which also power hair growth.

4. Consider whether your diet is correct for maintaining your hair. Really consider it. Doing this kind of mental exercise will stimulate growth of the follicles of your hair, slowing down balding or potentially even regrowing hair. Experts say that doing this every day can really help.

5. If you're inclined you may simply screw your head off and get a new one installed with a full head of hair. The process only takes 2-3 minutes at most, is extremely painful and can be done in most settlements simply at a local telephone booth, usually costing only a measly sum. Downsides of the process include losing your previous brain, and thus all memories, thoughts, and knowledge collected in it. Science offers some exciting new solutions to this issue. However, the procedure is still expensive and dealers often blackmail clients with releasing the contents of their former minds into the public. If you find yourself (with your new head) experiencing an identity crisis after having no recollection of who you are or why you are here, banging out the headache on the wall is also miraculously effective in getting you to just forget about it, so much so that telephone booths are now reinforced with concrete.

6. You may have heard that baldness can be due to hormone levels or genetic factors, and for some men (or women) it is just inescapable. Well, whoever told you that was lying. With new gene editing technology, you can modify the DNA of all the cells in your body to remove those nasty baldness genes -- you and your kids will never have to worry about baldness again. The procedure has been described as a little "invasive", "illegal", and that "it will lead to terrible consequences", but we hope that doesn't discourage you.

7. Recent sightings confirm the existence of the fact.

8. The north Eurasian skylark is a widespread species of bird found across Europe and the Palaearctic. Now that I've gotten your attention, I'm Timothy Higgins, and I'd just like to mention how AWESOME open water aquaculture is. I won't explain any further, just look it up... how could you not be enamored with this amazing innovation in fish farming. Yeah... it's REALLY cool. I'm also interested in microbiology and African American history.

9. Contrary to popular belief it's quite normal to have sex and smuggle drugs. This may be the secret ingredient to our hair loss prevention strategy, because as a matter of fact, taking drugs can... nevermind I lost that thought. DEWIFICATION!!!! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!!!!!

10. To the left of Ethel Mannin was Jonathan Silverman. Well renowned for his espousal of socialism in the 1970s, he also was extremely successful at combating baldness, which had affected almost all male (or female) members of his family.

11. Head dye.

12. Scalping your enemies and supergluing it onto your own head.